Useful phrases at work 
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
Does this nose ring make me look fat?


What Phrases really mean:
"It has long been known..." <-> I didn't look up the original reference. 
"A definite trend is evident..." <-> These data are practically meaningless. 
"Of great theoretical and practical importance..." <-> Interesting to me. 
"While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to these questions..." <-> This was an unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published. 
"Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study." <-> The others made no sense. 
"Typical results are shown." <-> The best results are shown. 
"The most reliable results are those obtained by Jones." <-> He was my grad assistant. 
"It is believed that..." <-> I think. 
"It is generally believed that..." <-> A couple of other guys think so, too. 
"It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding of the phenomenon is possible." <-> I don't understand it. 
"Correct within an order of magnitude." <-> Wrong. 
"It is hoped that this study will stimulate more work in this field." <-> This is a lousy paper, but so are the others in this crummy field. 
"Thanks are due to Joe Blotz for assistance with the experimental work and to George Frink for valuable discussions." <-> Blotz did the work, and Frink explained to me what it meant. 
"A careful analysis of obtainable data..." <-> Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a glass of beer. 
"A statistically oriented projection of the findings..." <-> Wild guess. 
"A highly significant area for exploratory study..." <-> A totally useless topic suggested by my committee. 

 
Useful work phrases:
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn. 
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? 
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 
Ahhh...I see the foul-up fairy has visited us again... 
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. 
No, my powers can only be used for good. 
How about never? Is never good for you? 
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. 
You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication. 
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message... 
I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 
Who me? I just wander from room to room. 
My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys! 
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy. 
At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. 
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.